Can you believe it? I have been home for a little over a month now. It feels like I just got home from the airport, exhausted like none other from the long layovers and flights. Yet at the same time it feels like South Africa was ages ago...or worse yet, like South Africa may never have even happened, perhaps it was only a dream.
I don't know how I feel. I still miss South Africa a lot. I miss the places, the ocean, the roads, Langerry, Primi's chocolate milkshakes, Joyce (our housecleaner who always had the biggest smile on her face)...I miss walking home from class with the sun glistening over the ocean...I miss walking to SPUR with Taylor always thinking we were parched and too tired to make it home with all of our groceries....I miss driving through the township and seeing all of the people's bright, smiley faces whose strength leaves me in awe....I miss the people we met, our new South African friends and our other international friends, I miss the strangers who we frequently saw, I miss Bennett/Chris (the guy who sold us paintings at the market), I miss the old man who sold fudge for R2/ piece at the market on Sundays...I miss Renee (one of the head ladies at House)...I miss Connie (the school teacher to the kids at House)...Most of all, I miss Iba and Mkhitha and Mandhi and Kuhle and Lisa and Tylo and Isi and Humelo and Yonela and Sibu and Cedi and all of the other kids. My heart physically hurts when I think about them and remember how much I loved them (and still do love them). Honestly, if I would be able to provide a decent life for them at this point in my life, I would have about 20 adopted children in a heartbeat.
It still feels weird to be home. I have adjusted a little over the month I have been home....fallen back in to the somewhat routine of who I was...fallen into the mold of myself I left behind. But that old self is now an uncomfortable fit because I am not the same self...South Africa changed me...I cannot describe what changed in words but I feel it. I know it occurred. Therefore, I cannot be who I was...I feel like people don't always realize this. They expect me to be who I was before, but I can't. That is no longer me. I feel like I am stuck being who I used to be because not many people are recognizing that I have changed. I don't know how to show that I have changed so I feel that the changes are slowly reversing back to how I used to be...because that is easier...but I don't want to forget Africa. I don't want to forget what I learned. I want to be the me Africa inspired me to be.
I also still want to talk about Africa. I know people always say that when you come back from being abroad you are going to find that people get sick of listening to your stories...I have found that to be true...it feels like many people forget to acknowledge that I even went to South Africa. Now, I don't think that everything I say has to relate back to SA and my world should not revolve around old memories....but I do need people to realize how big of an impact South Africa had on my life.
"I left my heart in Africa"....that was on someone's necklace I saw while in SA....I should have bought the necklace. It is so true. I really feel that I left part of my heart in Africa. Because of that I know that some day I will return. I have to. My heart yearns to be together again...to be whole. The necklace is true. Part of my heart was left in Africa, but also, part of Africa is now in my heart. I have a special place for Africa in my heart. Not only do I want to go back to South Africa, I also strongly desire to go to several other African countries. My heart wants to explore and discover more of Africa. I want to meet more people and learn from their stories. Actually I want to go all over the world. Currently, I really want to go to Thailand & India, then several countries in Africa, then most of Europe!
I don't know what else to say. I don't know who (if anyone) will read this post. I guess it was more for me to ramble out my thoughts. I miss South Africa and think about it everyday. Reverse culture shock is definitely hitting me hard. I miss my kids. I just want to give them a hug and hear them laugh. I cannot wait to go back. I just hope it is soon.
